When your questions are questioned, How does it feel? When your love and devotion is questioned, How does it feel? When your values, your intellect, your wisdom, is all questioned, how does it feel? When your sadness, your angst, your traumas, are questioned, how does it feel? A few questions I have been asking myself since last night. Yesterday was a shaky day for me, I was feeling that my ground is shaking again, my foundation is getting shaken, something wants to come out, something wants to change, some old patterns need to be tweaked, some new ways have to be adopted. I was restless all day and the icing on the cake was a call with my teacher, where it became more clear to me that there is something happening here. Something has to change. Some old ways of doing things have to change and so when change is round the corner, you cry, you let it all out, you feel the emotion, you feel the discomfort, you feel like one more layer is getting peeled away not knowing which one, but you can sense it. Something is bubbling, something is boiling and if I don’t catch hold of it, it will overflow. I am not sure how I have become so intuitive about things around me. The best part is everything around me is the same, but something is shifting inside of me and in times like these I have learnt to sit with the fear, doubts, restlessness. I just take a nap, or I just go for a walk, or I just use the cry it out method. Sometimes, I wonder if I am hallucinating? Maybe, I am. Who is going to come and save me now? I would like to believe I am being guided. That everything is happening through me and not to me, but who is going to validate this for me, but me. I am the only one who can do this. right?

I also realised that the time has come for me to stay quiet, to go within, to pause, to reflect and maybe write, Write a little more than I have been doing this month. I think my writing misses me. My reflections are missing me. Funny, but I think I want to feel the pain. I want to feel all the pain ever possible, I think I want to go down the route again, not afraid that I’ll go into my cuckoon again. But a break, a short break with just me and myself is calling me dearly. A break where I’ll be in silence. I wont talk unless spoken to. I will not argue, I will not vent, I will not complain. I will flow. I will become one with the ocean. I am the ocean, a drop in the ocean or maybe the whole ocean.

It’s been a journey and I am still on it. This path is sometimes looking scary to me, its like a deep dark hole with a lot of unknowns but I am not afraid as I was before. I am not broken as I was before. I am ready. I am ready to dive in and see what comes off it. Yesterday, I thought to myself, I’ll become unnatural. A few days ago, my teacher said you be natural Miss Light, but I will say to him, I am going to be unnatural for a while. I have been natural for too long and it’s getting boring. I am becoming predictable. Now. I need some change. So, I am going to be unnatural and see where my life takes me.

See you on the other side.

Lots of love,

Miss Light

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