Sometimes I wonder, I really wonder, Miss Light, Who do you think you are? Who is giving you the permission to say anything, write anything, be anything, do anything? Who is giving you the permission to have show downs, to be rude sometimes, to be this ruthless person? Haven’t you been meditating for many months now. I know it’s not much but still where is your sense of balance? Where is your sense of sanity? Do you even think through things? Most of the times you are thinking, overthinking, thinking, overthinking, then how come you decide to blurt out shit sometimes? Why are you not able to catch yourself and say stop? What takes over you? Who is giving you the audacity to be so fearless? Who is giving you the audacity to say anything to anyone?
I really don’t know how I have become so fearless. But I am today. I am just so fearless. If someone has controlled me, or harmed me, or hurt me, I am not leaving any stone unturned in telling them what I need to and it’s not coming out in a very nice way. I am being loud and rude and just plain ruthless. That’s me! It’s like a raw version of me. No filters attached. I am being true to myself. I am doing what needs to be done, saying what I need to, staying quiet sometimes, and enjoying this space I am in. I mean WTF. So much growth in such less time. Really? Who is making me do all this? Is this all a plan of God? Is this his super huge master plan? Everyone but me is scared these days. Everyone is in shock. I have shocked everybody and I continue to do. I shock myself these days. So much strength, so much awareness, so much audacity. Woh, Miss Light, you have really outshined yourself, I must say. I am leaving myself speechless these days. On days like these, I want to get answers. This morning I went in front of Sai Baba and strangely when I go in front of him in this small temple, I get answers like no ones business. It’s like a real conversation happening with him. Who is to say if it’s really him talking to me or is it my higher self? Or Is it the same thing?
I usually don’t ask questions but today I did. After my showdown in the afternoon, I needed an answer. But I didn’t get too many. It’s like when I hold onto the desire tightly, give me my answers God, he doesn’t give it to me. But when I am having a normal, happy go lucky conversation with him like this morning, I get them. Not sure what this is all about. Am I hallucinating?
All of this seems like one fucking dream sometimes. Everyday seems like a dream, a good dream, a bad dream, an okay dream, and I am playing a part in it. Will I play a big or small part in it? Time will tell.
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