These days, I feel I am on a different trip of life. Not the trip I was on a few months ago. In a matter of a few months, I am doing different things, doing things I would have never imagined, reading books, articles like no one’s business, connecting with new people, really connecting not just the usual hi and bye, sitting by myself for long periods of time, writing so much, day dreaming, and taking each day as it comes. No big plans. No stress. Just flowing through life one moment at a time, one day at a time. It’s not
like I am not accomplishing tasks. I am doing quite a bit but amidst all the tasks there is a sense of calm. I keep coming back to my breadth. Whenever I feel I am talking too much, or my energy is getting drained, I come back to my breadth. I think I have become a better listener to most people in my life. Most. As I write these blogs, I ask questions and then I answer them myself. Sometimes I feel I am depressed. Am I going through a depression? But it’s not as bad as my previous ones. I am able to notice when I am getting sad about something and then I stay with that experience for a while. Sometimes longer. And then I just stay with the sadness. The sadness sometimes lingers for long. It’s there but not there. It’s there but it’s not affecting my state of being. So, there could be sadness but sadness hasn’t taken over my life. I am able to let it stay within me as I keep doing different things, it could be meeting a friend, playing with my daughter, eating food, taking a walk, talking over the phone, there is a constant lingering sadness within me. I am not sure why. I have everything I need but then there is still something missing. I try to find it in my body but I am not able to pinpoint to where it is and so I just continue to do my own thing.

Is this what the true spiritual path is? I can have tears at the drop of a hat when I visit a place of worship. It’s like I am yearning for something. I want to feel one with God. I want to be lifted off these planes into some magnificent place where it’s just me and God and nothing else. I feel this oneness when I meditate but then everything fades away as the day progresses.

I am enjoying the connections, the travels, the new experiences, but I am still not satisfied. I am looking for something more, will I ever get it in this lifetime? I am not sure. But I am so adamant that I want to find it. I am giving it my all. I am doing all the things. Trying out different things. Being fearless. What more do I have to do to get what I want? Can’t God see that I am really seeking? I am really giving my 200% here. It’s like my mind and heart and body is on wild fire. A wild fire like never before. A life I have never lived before. A fire I have never felt before.

Until next time,

Miss Light

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