Today, I am irritated. Irritated with myself and life in general. Why are you so irritated I ask myself? What is irritating you so much about yourself? Aren’t you the most wonderful, beautiful, cutest human alive. Aren’t you the most naughty, crazy, one of a kind human ever been made in this world? Then why are you so irritated with yourself, Miss Light? I am not sure. So, since this morning, I have been on a slow ride, a slow ride of life, I am literally strolling through everything in life. I strolled into the park, I shut my eyes slowly, I opened them slowly, I drove a bit slowly, I sipped my coffee slowly, I spoke to my teacher slowly, I did everything so slowly that I am not sure what to think of this slowness suddenly in my life. Wake Up! Miss Light, Wake up! What are you doing? I was doodling in the coffee shop, I drew a hundred random shaped hearts and then I drew a few flowers, I also drew a cube, and a random shape that didn’t make sense to me. I then scribbled all over my paper. I then decided to tear it and put it in my coffee cup before leaving. I got home and sat on my bed. I returned a few calls, which I missed this morning. I laughed. I cracked some jokes. But I am still irritated with myself. But beneath this irritation there is a whole lot of Love hiding somewhere. It’s waiting to come out. But I am asking it to wait for now. Let me be irritated for a bit longer. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to scream. Actually you’re alone at home, why don’t you just scream? Will the neighbours wake up? Will the birds hear me? Will the squirrel come to the tree outside my room and look at me? Does all of this even matter? What matters is you’re irritated with yourself because you’ve been living a lie. The biggest lie of your life. You know you’re meant to do something else but you’re still doing what you have to do and you have done it for so many years without complaining on most days. You have screamed. You have cried. You have wanted to kill yourself and end your life but you still did what you had to do. You weren’t listening to your inner voice and now finally when your inner voice is screaming inside of you, you are irritated because how long more will you live this half lie? You have started to do a few things, make a few changes, but you’re still doing certain things to keep people around you happy. You still love so much that this love takes over your entire being and you lose track of what you’re actually supposed to do. Is this a fucking dream? Am I dreaming?

What do I really want to do?

I want to be free. I want to be free from all these emotions and feelings and madness in my life. I want to be on my own. I want to start fresh. I want to run away for a while. I want to go into silence for a few days. I want to do something really crazy. I want to do all the wrong things possible. I want to break free. I want to challenge everyone and everything ever said to me. I want to tell some people that I don’t like them. I really don’t like what they have done to me. I want to be disliked. I want to be judged. I want people to really question and wonder that this girl has lost it. “She is out of her mind. God save her.”

Strangely, I am quite confident this time God is with me. This time nothing can go wrong in my life. I want to meet Guru Nanak Ji. He is calling me. He told me, Miss Light, How long will you take? Come and see me? It’s time you come visit me in Amritsar. I tell him Guru Nanak Ji, I am coming to you. I can’t wait to see you myself. It’s the only thing thats giving me peace of mind today. Finally, I get to see you. It’s like I have waited all my life and I am finally coming to see you.

If you believe in Guru Nanak Ji, or you don’t, listen to this beautiful soulful song and you will feel the love I am feeling for him today, amidst the irritation.

Lots of Love,

Miss Light

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