It’s early today. It’s 4:55 AM and I thought why not write something. Write something not knowing what you will write about because you aren’t sure where you will end up. But isn’t that life every single day? You aren’t sure where you will be at the end of the day. You do have some control over your actions, behaviour, the people you meet, the people you talk to, where you place your energies, but even amidst all of this, there is a part of you that’s not sure, there is always a missing part of the puzzle and that missing part is what makes life so exciting. Strangely, these days I don’t get excited about anything. There was a time when I would be excited for everything but these days, I am flowing, I am trusting, I am letting go. It’s freeing because I want to keep coming back to this state anytime I feel my energies are all over the place. Like yesterday, I was all over the place. I was crying for no particular reason but once I did, I removed all that pent up energy and felt free. I then had a wine and Mandala date with a group of girls, and it was liberating to say the least. I got connected with them just a few weeks ago and it’s not like I know everything about their life but I feel connected with a few of them and I just enjoy spending time with them. These girls came into my life randomly and things just happened. The best part about spending time with them is no judgements, no talk about kids mostly, just pure fun, laughter, and also we share some wisdom. Yesterday, one of the girls asked me, what are you watching on netflix? I said, What is netflix? These days I spend my time doing just a few things, readings, writing, or listening or you will find me spending time with my daughter. I have forgotten what it’s like to watch Netflix and it’s not like I am missing it. I am just fine being in this zone of life. I am content.
I am moving homes very soon but I am not excited. I am happy. I am looking forward to this new life. I am not jumping into anything. I am just trusting that the right furniture, the right decor, the right everything will come to me. I am not going anywhere. My daughter has to join a new school next year, again I am not worried, I am not running, I am trusting the right school will happen for her. No need to panic or run. My husband is quite shocked to see this side of me.
Yesterday, I took my daughter to a therapist. I want her to open up and share a few things and I have also been struggling with some of her quirks and I have a friend so I want my daughter to develop a loving relationship with her so that she can have this person all her life when she wants to share, or just wants to work on something. My daughter asked me, mama my friends are asking me what is this after school class you’re going to? What do I tell them? I said, tell them you’re working on yourself. You’re understanding yourself better. She is just 5.
The last few years have been a slow process for me understanding my ups and downs. Shall I call it a triple dip? or a triple depression? Every year around June I would sense a tension. What is it with the month? This year. It wasn’t a dip but I was sensing something is off. Something needs to change. Something needs correction. It started with that and finally I can proudly say that the last few months have been wonderful. Nothing short of wonder. To finally come to a place of knowing myself, trusting myself, trusting my inner knowing, is bliss. To take a stand, to fight for what is right, to fight for the truth, to not budge when my value system is being questioned, to accept a few things just the way they are, to sometimes dream, day dream so much that I lose track of the present moment, to keep reminding myself to come back to the present, to know what it’s to truly love someone, loving unconditionally without any expectations is priceless. To enjoy listening to music like never before, to enjoy the synchronicities and miracles happening around me, to laugh at the madness, to love the new connections, to trust that everything is happening for me and not to me, to trust that all that is good and beautiful is coming into my life, unfolding one day at a time, one moment at a time, to feel like the universe is within me, that anything is possible once I put my heart and soul into it has been unbelievable. To have a certain discipline in my life but not get so caught up in the details. To not be afraid to fail or afraid of losing everything. I have learnt a lot of lessons this year. It’s been a power packed year and I can’t wait to see what the last one month brings into my life.
Believe in the magic. Believe in the miracles. Believe that everything is happening for a reason, reasons you don’t know but it all makes sense. This last bit is finally making sense. I am able to connect the dots. Connect everything. Connect to everything mostly except negative energies. I stay away from that as much as I can. To understand all of this has been wonderful, so wonderful.
Who do you think deserves a shout out here? My teacher. He came in at just the right moment in my life. It’s like God knew it’s time to get me connected to him and since then there has been no stopping me.
Lots of Love,
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