The last few months I have had quite a few energetic explosions, so many that sometimes I am not sure I am the same person standing in front of the mirror. Who am I? This is a question I ask myself almost everyday with no clear answer. Day before, I was extremely angry, something wasn’t feeling right. I was irritated with myself, my life, just everything. I just wanted to be left alone. But that’s difficult when you have a child and you’re married. So I went to sleep and then woke up with a similar restlessness not knowing what to do. I had a conversation with my husband. I told him. I am changing. Something isn’t working between us. I don’t think I am meant to be with you. I have to be somewhere else. Do you understand husband? Are you hearing me? I am not meant to be doing this. My heart is telling me to go somewhere else, be somewhere, do something else. He doesn’t get it. He says, I am giving you your space. I wont interfere. We will do what you want. I keep crying. Tears flowing down not knowing what to do. He holds onto my hand, I let it go. I tell him. Let me go. Please. Let me go. I go downstairs. The restlessness remains. We were supposed to visit an Ashram today. I was in no mood. He came to me. He said don’t can the plan. I thought for a minute and told him okay lets go. Through the two hour car journey, I kept thinking of my teacher and a few of his sessions that have touched me deeply. I keep revisiting them. Keep revisiting them so they enter every part of my being. So much so that. Even if someone tries to kill me, the words still echo in my consciousness. I have an appointment with my therapist, which I completely forget but I walk around the Ashram and talk to her. I tell her everything that’s happening to me. She says, first take a deep breadth. I do that. She says, whatever you’re going through is totally normal. Can you stop judging yourself? Who is creating these rules? Who is telling you what is right and wrong in life? I feel calm and at ease. She just gets me so well. She suggests a few books for me to read, one of them being Polysecure.
I then enter the temple where the bhajans are on. I am one of the last to enter but I go sit right in front. I go in with confidence and show the lady volunteer a sad face, and she says fine sit down. I sit and the bhajans continue. I look around the room. I close my eyes. I soak in the music. I soak in the vibrations. I soak in the instruments. I think of my teacher. I connect with him. I connect with Sai Baba.I connect with my Guru, Gopal Baba who passed away last year. I feel the music in every cell of my body. The bhajans end and I see some people who I had met in Netherlands recently. I go up to them and talk to them. We have lunch together. The man who is considered a Direct Disciple of my Guru, his closest most beloved student looks at me intensely and says How are you doing? I tell him, I am good. We have some conversations around his beautiful temple in Netherlands. He shows me a picture of him in Shirdi and tells me I don’t like all this publicity I get here in India and smiles.
My husband then says, let’s go to Gopal Baba’s house. We used to visit that house three times a year and sit next to him, ask him a few questions before he passed away on June 11th, 2021. Baba and I shared a very friendly relationship. I had no fear and would ask him anything. I had a secret language I used to speak to him in. We used to speak in Tamil and none of my family members understood Tamil. I think he knew I was the naughty one. I was the crazy one. My husband loved him to death and would do anything for him. He wouldn’t move an inch without Baba’s blessings. He says I came into his life because of baba and when he showed my photograph to baba, he said go for it, marry this girl. Hah! I didn’t understand this devotion eight years ago and so I would ask Baba all kinds of questions. He loves cats and I didn’t like them and he knew it. But he would still make me sit where the cats were and he would laugh at me. He told me once, I have come to your house and seen your parents and I said when? Where? Baba had manifested many things, people say. There are a number of stories around that. So, yesterday, for the first time, I went to Gopal Baba’s bed room and there was a surge of energy and love and warmth in that room. I felt one with him. I felt one with creation. I felt one with everything. I was at peace like all my worries and restlessness had washed away. So much Love. So much peace in that one room. I was awestruck. I told myself I’ll have a room like that one day. A room which has the best vibrations, the best energy, a holy place, a place where all your worries and fears wash away.
Last night was also the New Moon and my teacher, Nithya Shanti always offers us sessions on New Moon. Yesterday, before the session I had this thought. Today, my teacher’s session will be the most powerful session he has ever given. When the session started, I was feeling the intensity of the session, I was feeling heavy but I went along. Kept listening to his instructions. It was one of the most difficult, energetic, magnetic, magnificent experience of my life sitting there. I was in pain. I was sweating. I was feeling so hot but the weather was çold outside. I was losing it and finding it. I was connecting and disconnecting. I was in love and silence. I was feeling like there is an explosion inside of me. It was mind blowing and out of this world and I sat there for one and a half hours without moving much.
The last few days have been something. Something and nothing. Something and nothing and everything. I don’t know who I am. What am I going to do? Everything seems like a blank slate in front of me. I am a bit scared. I am not sure what to think of all this thats happening to me. But I keep writing and keep hoping and keep trusting that I am going to be taken care off.
You can join my teacher’s new moon meditations on zoom every month. Join his subscription list by clicking on the link below.
Lots of Love,
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