Bury yourself? Did you really just say that to yourself, Miss Light? Where do you want to bury yourself? Well, I am not sure. Maybe, a deep dark hole. I could go in there and stay in that hole for a few days or a few weeks and then come out of it. Is this even possible? What am I thinking? Sometimes, the stuff I think about amazes me. Because here I am in a family situation with a five year old but I am thinking about hiding in a hole. I seem to love the dark these days. Early mornings or early evenings, I like to sit in darkness. Too much of light and it bothers me. I wonder why? Why do I suddenly feel like hiding from everyone and everything? I am not sure.

But since yesterday, I am getting this thought and feeling that I need to go hide somewhere. Maybe because in yesterday’s session by my teacher, a very powerful session. He said todays session was dense. I was a bit lost. I was lost in his words and I wasn’t sure if I had found myself at the end of the session. He called the session, a transmission. He was revealing to us all the revelations he received in his dream the previous night. He was quite methodical moving from one point to the other, sometimes connecting two points and I was liking it. I realised I like it when people teach me things in a pointer format. This is 1,2,3 and that’s it? 1,2,3 and I am done? Have I figured my life out? Yay! You’re dreaming Miss Light. You can’t figure life out in a structure. A little bit of noise, confusion, mess, surprises are needed, so stay with it, stay with the madness and the doubts.

One of the points he mentioned was that “You’re being watched at all times.” So, watch your behaviour when you’re alone. He went onto say, you’re never alone. Even when you’re hiding from people and sitting all alone, your thoughts, words, and actions are being noted. WHAT! Why did you say that? It freaked me out. I mean I know I am being watched by God at all times but when my teacher said it, I was like WHAT! Don’t do this me. My alone time is Golden. I am enjoying it so much and now you come in and say that I am not so alone after all. I am being watched. That hit me.

He also said, You, me, all of us have the power to change our past, influence our future, and as we do these both, our present reality will change. This felt good. I felt like I have some say in the way things happened in the past for me. I can change the story I have been telling myself about my past. I can heal those childhood traumas and tell a different story, so my present reality gets better and my future self is fresh and untouched. I want to feel untouched, and raw and, fresh. I want to start fresh without all of this baggage. I think this is is what I understood when he said these words. Did I understand it correctly? He was trying very hard to explain his dream to us in the most simple way and I could feel that, sense that. He also said his dream was like a Thriller Movie. Ehh, I don’t like thriller movies. I have always liked Happy go Lucky, Fun, movies, the love, the energy, the friendship. Who wants to see a thriller movie? I don’t enjoy them. But it was his dream. Thank God for that. But what if my life right now is a dream? Is it a dream? My teacher said think that you’re in a dream every time you wake up. Tell yourself you’re playing a part in this dream. I told him, I don’t get dreams in my sleep. Why? Why don’t I get dreams? I seem to be having revelations and questions and stories in my waking state. He said think of this waking state like a dream. And I do that these days, but I feel aloof and disconnected from the world outside.

He ended the session with a beautiful word LOVE. Be in a state of Love. He went onto say, What is that love that does not need validation by your thoughts and feelings? What is that state? Love is free and freeing. Thoughts and feelings bind you. They are the bondage. They limit the limitless. I died when I heard these words. So powerful went straight to my heart and broke it into a few more pieces. Pierced it like nothing else before and broke the damn bubble I was living in. Thank you teacher!

I don’t know what else to say today because I am still feeling the pinch. It’s like someone just shattered my whole concept of love. Can I please feel the love? Can I please be in this feeling state? Can I please think these beautiful loving thoughts? Can I please not grow up? Can I please continue to think of Love the way I saw in the movies?

Teacher, why are you breaking my barriers one day at a time, one moment at a time? Who am I? What I am here to do? What is this state of Love? Am I in a state of Love? Am I in a state of feelings and thoughts about Love? What is this all about? Who am I really?

Yours truly,

Miss Light