The day has come! It’s here! Finally, I was waiting for this day. The day when I can touch freedom. I can touch bliss. I can touch joy and peace and everything else in between. So what is this revelation? It’s nothing big, nothing small, maybe nothing at all. But it has been troubling me for over two years now. Endless days and nights of questioning why? why? why? Universe, tell me why am I not able to meet my teacher? What have I done wrong, so wrong that I have not been given the chance to meet him. Every time I thought of it, there was a road block, something came up, someone said no, my teacher said no not now, the universe said No! No! No! and I kept fighting with reality, day in and day out. Why me? What have I done to deserve this? Haven’t I from the beginning given this person 100% of my love, attention, time as much as I could. So much that I went through six months of torture and depression, then why me? Well, well, well, There is never an answer to this question why me, so today as I was walking into my room. Actually, the past few days, I have been so troubled, seeing pictures of so many people meeting him and yes I am jealous. So jealous. I am not a saint so I do feel jealous. I don’t feel joy when I see those pictures of people who have not met him once, twice but many many times. Oh lucky you! I would tell them. You’re so lucky and they would reply yes I am. And I would again think to myself what the hell have I done wrong to not get one opportunity to meet him? But today was different, as I woke up to a message on a whatsapp group to someone who said, Yay! teacher I, finally get to see you and my teacher sent this person a heart emoji. I broke down again. I had tears. Has my teacher ever thought that I am dying to meet him? Maybe, maybe not. Because these days he is silent with me. It’s like I am on a perpetual silent retreat with him. Oh! so much fun. Though I don’t give up, I take my chances. I ask him a hundred questions on my zoom calls. Not because I want to prove a point to him. I am just being me and maybe he realises it or no, likes it or no, wants me in his calls or no, I am there pretty much every other day. But today, as I was walking up to my room, I had a revelation. And the revelation was that enough is enough. Enough of running, asking, begging, dying, asking again, dying again, wanting again, enough of all this. No more of this Miss Light. Just let it be. Let this feeling, this urge rest. Let it rest in peace. And I will not ask the universe once more to make this happen, nor will I ask my teacher, nor will I ask myself. I am done. So done. This will come to me. I will do what I have to do and my teacher will come to me. I am not going anywhere nor am I planning anything. This opportunity will knock on my door and I am not going anywhere. In fact, I am not knocking on anyones door anymore. Everything will come to me right where I am. Does it always have to be me? Me making plans? Me asking people let’s meet? Sorry but I am not sorry. I am not making any plans to meet anyone. I am going to be in solitary confinement for as long as I want to and I am happy doing that because enough is enough.
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