I have realised something, I realised it just a few minutes ago that I can write best when I am at my worst. I can write so much when I am in turmoil. I can write a whole lot when my thoughts are all over the place or if I am hurting. When someone you love so dearly says something that isn’t true, it hurts. It hurts so much that you don’t mind sitting with that emotion for a while. Fully feeling it, like my teacher says and then letting it go. Because how much will you hurt yourself? You know you didn’t mean anything wrong. Your intention was clear but the opposite person got it the wrong way. Is this your fault? Do I have to go explain myself? What if the person isn’t interested in talking to you? How do you explain yourself then? So, you see two options in front of you. Either you keep playing the dialogue in your heart and hurting yourself, or you cry a little, cry a little more, and then just let it go. Because there is no way to solve this conflict. When someone you love stops talking to you, it’s hard. It’s so hard to live this way. The silence kills you on days. I have been facing this the past few weeks or a month and it’s been hard. Because I am trying hard to change, to be a better person, love deeply without expecting anything in return. But all I am getting is silence. All I get is silence and this is hurting me.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and honestly I don’t want it to come. I just wan’t to skip it. I am not excited about it nor am I neutral about it. I just don’t want it to come. But it will and I’ll have to put up a fake smile and accept everyones wishes when in reality I am hurting. I am hurting because no matter how much I do or give, people still misunderstand me. People don’t get me. They will remind me of that one stupid mistake I did and it kills me. Because why can’t they see the hundred other things I did for them? No one does. Everyone forgets. It’s pointless.
How do you deal with silence? What if you’ve loved someone deeply and in return you’ve got to hear things that are far from Love? This is a question thats coming to me. All my life I have loved deeply and sometimes I wonder if its worth it. If its worth all the hurt I have gone through.
Shouldn’t I be looking forward to my birthday? Shouldn’t I just be the happy go lucky girl I am all the time? But no, Life isn’t like that. One minute you’re happy. One minute you’re sad. One minute you love yourself. One minute you’re mean to yourself. One minute you dance. One minute you’re bored. It’s just a constant flow of emotions no matter how much you meditate. How much you try to come to a state of balance. You have to deal with the shit and get out of it before it takes over your life. I have become an expert at this. Let the shit in and then let it go. I don’t take long. But the hurt remains. The wounds remain and I learn to live with it.
Leave a Reply