So, over the last few years, I keep coming back to this thought. How do I simplify my life? How do I reduce the stuff I own? But I think about it and then I go shop for one more thing. In the last few months, I have spent a lot of money without really thinking twice. Usually, I think a lot before spending but these days it’s been an impulse purchase. I like it so I am going to buy it. Momentarily, I feel good and maybe these days I am looking for that instant gratification and shopping is the easiest way for me to get it. But is this good? What am I really trying to do? This is all going to be backfire and I know it because when I look at my expenses over the last few months it’s sky rocketing. I came to a point where I had to ask people around me to pay me back if they owe me anything because if I have to do one more course of my teacher’s well I need the money and I don’t want to not be able to do it. But who knew? I would so soon decide to take a break from my teacher and his courses, so well that money can well be saved.
Money! Money! Money! I wonder why this word literally sends shivers down my spine and sometimes I don’t want any of it knowing very well I have it and I can’t do without it either, unless I go live in an ashram where things will be taken care off and I just have to live with basic needs. Maybe this is something I will do too. Not sure when because leaving my daughter for so long now doesn’t seem like a good thing to do. She is already sensing her mother is on a different tangent and is suddenly seeking so much alone time that it’s coming as a shock to her.
Am I really talking about simplifying my life here? I really wish I could, you know. Because I am quite ready to just leave everything behind and start from scratch. But people around me will be shattered and they will not allow me to go or they will fall sick or they will lose their mind and I don’t want to do that to them and so I will just wait. Wait for a better time in my life when I can do this. For now, enjoy the drama, the madness, the love, the belonging, the trauma, the craziness, the ups and downs, and so on and so forth.
So, last night I woke up every hour. Every hour on the clock looking for something, searching for something. But I wasn’t finding it anywhere. It wasn’t there. What was I finding? I am not sure. Just something within me. Something that’s been lost and needs to be found. Wish it was so simple but it isn’t. I am still looking for it and I know it is somewhere out there or in there and I’ll find it soon. Until then, let’s keep the search on and let’s keep writing and let’s keep waking up by the hour and let’s keep ruining my sleep and let’s keep driving people up the wall and let’s keep getting irritated and angry because I am very good at it. Let’s keep throwing people away and feeling lonely and alone. Talk about calling suffering onto oneself. If someone wants to know how it’s done, talk to me. I have done a PHD on how to call suffering onto yourself when maybe, you could just enjoy life and chill for a bit. No, but I am on some search and quest. My teacher would say, go ahead, do it to yourself, and I would say, Yes, Bring it on and then I’ll end by saying How wonderful! (You taught me that, right)
My favorite quote these days,
From Now on, I have everything I need as I need it. – Lester Levenson (Lovingly shared by my teacher who I miss a lot but this break is so essential for me)
Leave a Reply