I think the time has come for me to pull the plug on one last thing that has been taking over my life the past few months and in some ways I feel it was all a set up. It was God’s larger plan for me to go all in and then come to a point like today where I say screw this shit. I can survive on my own. I am not proving a point to anyone but myself that I can survive without my teachers presence and teachings in my life. This can’t be my clutch, my support system, and my safe place. Why do I need a safe place? Why cant I feel secure without any of this? I am complete and I don’t need anyone or anybody to complete me. It has taken me a while to get here where I finally have come to the realization that I am all that I need. Is this how it’s going to be forever? Maybe. But I am not putting any deadline to this feeling I have suddenly got. It’s quite strong. And these days all my decisions are being based on my intuition, so just go with the flow, do it and then see if it was the right thing to do.
There is one good thing about this good bye than my previous showdowns. I am not shattering the ground when I am doing it. I am quite calm. I am in a state of love. I am where I need to be. I am quite content and I am doing it to prove to myself that I am really strong. That no one has the power to control me even if they’re not doing it consciously. It’s still happening. To be constantly connected with someone every single day is not good. At some level you start finding security, you get attached to this way of living not realizing you’re missing out. You’re missing out on what’s there outside. You’re missing out on connecting with every other thing because a lot of your energy is going in connecting with this one person. You’re giving your life to it. For what? I have no idea why I do this but I do and it is what it is. But last night I reached a point of exhaustion. Where I just wanted to be left alone. Where I didn’t want anyone or anybody to control my state of being at any level. I wanted to go back to being a child again and just figure life out again on my own.
Whatever had to be taught has been taught. What needed to be said has been said. I usually don’t leave any stones left unturned. All my life wherever I go I feel complete. And I get this question as I am typing this out, what if my teacher comes up with some new stuff? FOMO right there. Some new revelations? I won’t know about it. Well, I think I have imbibed so much in such a short time and it’s all a part of me and from now on I will have everything I need as I need it as Lester Levenson said, and my teacher taught me this, so it better be true.
I love you my teacher and I have never felt so connected with anyone in the past. But it’s time I pull the plug. Were you part of this plan with God? I will never know. But.
When I return, It will be a new birth. A new life. A new me. A new everything. And as always I am excited. Am I dreaming? Is this all fucking a dream? Whatever it is. It is a beautiful dream and thank you for being part of it.
Lots of love,
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