So, I was drinking my favourite cup of tea this morning, with my mother, my sister and my daughter on the table. And ah! Who says mornings have to be peaceful and serene? Because in my case, they haven’t been these past few weeks, unless I decide to go into silence and not say a word. So, I shared something with my mother. I told her I am going to this Ashram on Sunday. I am going alone and I am going to be spending a day there. I am so excited that I can’t even describe in words. But my mom had to pass a statement and say, all this is a money making game and so on and so forth. I lost it. She lost it. My sister realised its best to stay quiet. My mom went on a different tangent then and that didn’t go so well. So, I walked out. These days I do that so well, it’s unbelievable. I smiled. I told them I am not listening to anyone. TO ANYONE. Why aren’t people getting this? They still want me to listen to them. Like my teacher the other day wanted me to listen to him on his views on death and how I am not thinking straight. Honestly, screw everyone because these days I only listen to myself and no one else. I don’t care who you are. Where you’ve come from. It doesn’t matter. I wont listen. Period. I’ll give you the due respect but you cant change my stance on something, at least not in that moment.
So, while I was having a shower, a thought gripped me. I had to write it down. But I am in the shower. Imagine that. So, I got out of the shower quickly, changed into some clothes and opened my laptop and quickly started writing this post and it comes down to this one thought. Why am I sharing so much? I mean who the hell has told me to share so much? This is a big problem in my life. I love to share and sometimes over share and then I have to listen to everyones opinions or see how they’re judging me. Where do I draw this line? Is there a line to even draw? Why don’t I just stay quiet for a while. In fact I was thinking, the next few days are going to be challenging for me. Why don’t I stick a board on my chest saying, in silence. That will work best for me and the opposite person I am with.
Okay. I am no saint. I’ll tell you that. There have been times I have told people to do what I want them to do. The people I truly care about. For example, my teacher. And I feel he can’t stand me for it. Because I go over board. I give him all these ideas and tell him how he should implement it. Some of them he has been forced to implement, like posting something on Instagram. Lol. But sometimes, he loses it and it’s made me feel sad. But I have stopped doing it. I have learnt my lesson this year. I don’t tell anyone anything. I will share my opinion with zero expectations that you will listen or implement what I am telling you. This has really helped me to be at peace. I mean seriously, its like a heavy load lifted off my shoulders. But coming back to this line right. It’s such a hazy line that sometimes you cross it and sometimes you stay guarded and don’t share much, so basically, there isn’t a specific answer. Everyone will give me their view on this and I don’t want to hear it. I am done listening to people all my life. I think thats why everyone is finding it so difficult because I am suddenly a rebel right, I am not listening to anyone and they can’t take it. They find it very hard to digest that suddenly I am doing what I want, when I want. I am not hurting you so then who is giving you the permission to tell me what I am supposed to do?
Yes, I am disappointing so many people. Let’s not even go there. The list is quite big today. But I care a damn. I really don’t care because my time has come. And it’s not going anywhere for a while. I also don’t need any validation these days from anyone. I have stopped asking questions. I don’t interact with too many people unless necessary. I don’t answer phone calls when I am not in a mood. I don’t feel like getting into long conversations unless there is something beneficial there. I just enjoy my time alone so much that nothing else matters. I read a lot. I write a lot. Okay. Yes, I share a lot, which might change too. My questions are getting answered on their own these days and its quite wonderful. Do you think I don’t need my teacher anymore? I am not sure. But I am getting there.
Sometimes, I wonder if my teacher judges me or can’t stand me because I have shared a lot with him in the past which I am not sure I should have. It’s eating me up these days that maybe I should have just kept some stuff to myself but I didn’t and it is what it is. I can’t do much about it now. It is what it is. These days I try to stay quiet on his calls, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. Not sure when I’ll learn to balance this out.
I’ll end with a quote my teacher wrote.
I don’t think it is possible to be true to yourself without disappointing a lot of people, including yourself in the process. – NS
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