So, yesterday, someone I am very close to came in and told me that I have become extremely lazy the past one month. I was taken aback, I held my breadth for a second, I was hurt. How can this person say this to me? I started to ponder upon this thought through the evening wondering why this small statement is hurting me so much. Maybe, there is a truth in it. Maybe, I have become a bit lazy and a bit selfish and a bit to myself. Maybe I am not doing enough for everyone around me. or Maybe, I am being served everything in a platter and it’s time I figure things out on my own. Enough of handholding and support and help from everyone. But coming back to being lazy, so from a very young age I think I built an identity around this statement. I am not sure where this was coming from. Was it my dad? Was it my conditioning? Was I taught that if I am not doing anything, I am being lazy. I guess yes, thats where it’s coming from. And I have carried this thought for so many years since then that if anyone even dares to tell me I am being lazy, it hurts me and I start to run helter-skelter trying to prove to people that I am not being lazy. I can do it all. I can be the best version of myself event though internally I am in the biggest state of turmoil. Oh well! This is a slippery slope and who knows this better than me. Three episodes of depression taught me one thing. Stop saying yes to everything and everyone. So, if you’re being called lazy, so be it. Because honestly, I am not trying to act superior, but I am capable of doing a lot of work, a lot. I can take on a lot, I can accomplish a lot and I can also get things done for you. But still they love hurting me in the wrong spot by passing a statement like that. Recently, my teacher told me, people can hurt you but they cant harm you. And so even though I was very hurt yesterday, I can’t be harmed. No one can harm me today. Actually, these days I get emotional but I don’t shed a tear. This is really an achievement for me. For someone who could cry at a drop of a hat. I don’t shed a tear no matter what is happening in my life, no matter what anyone says to me, no matter what shit I am being put through. I just stand strong and that’s what I would like to leave you with. There will come a time in your life where no matter what anyone says to you, does to you, you will not be shaken. You wont break down this time. You can’t. and I am there today. I know the example I gave you was quite juvenile, being lazy but this will apply to every aspect of your life. So, as my teacher says, Bring it on. I kind off have that Bring it on attitude in life.
Am I scared I’ll go into depression again? Well, yes, maybe. I actually feel I will but its not worrying me anymore as it has before. I’ll face it like I have faced everything else in my life. This inner strength, this inner knowing is guiding me to do so many things today that I am amazed at myself. I am in awe. I have tears of gratitude because I don’t want to become this proud person sitting on a pedestal. I’ll do what I have to do without really caring if I am going to be liked, hated, or loved.
So, I wish for each one of you to find what I have found. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever get what I want but even if I don’t I am very sure I am denting this universe one day at a time, one moment at a time in whatever small way I can.
Love, Light and Happiness.
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