A Saturday night, I am only in my 30’s and so just maybe you would assume I am partying, having a few drinks and just making some easy go lucky conversations with a few strangers. But no, that’s not my life. My life is a Saturday night 9 PM call with my teacher where we are discussing death. Not even in a subtle way but a very matter of fact way. You know what’s the best and worst part about my teacher? He can laugh off just anything. He can make fun of a topic such as death and everyone around him doesn’t mind it. He has a charm about him that maybe allows him to do that and usually I laugh at all his jokes. But today wasn’t a day like that. Today, my heart was pounding, I was waiting to get back at him and I was just plain upset and scared and fearful and everything in between. So, when it was my turn to speak, I think I was rude to him. I wanted him to know that he can’t laugh about death. Yes, it’s a natural part of life and yes, he’s matured, he’s seen life more than I have, experienced more, but he can’t do this to me. Not sure why but I was taking it personally. What was I scared off? Was I scared of losing him? It did cross my mind a few times through the zoom call but I was more scared of losing my child and father. I share a very deep relationship with my father, a relationship where I don’t have to say much, I don’t have to prove anything to him but no matter what he’s been there for me through thick and thin. He’s been there with me, allowed me to pursue my dreams, never stopped me from doing anything and so I am scared, I am freaked out when I think of the day he will not be with me anymore. I know I have to accept it and that’s what my teacher was trying to explain to me and maybe I was getting it but I wasn’t willing to listen to him. I wanted him to be nice to me, understand me, understand my pain, but that didn’t happen. He decided to play a different game with me. I am not sure why. Maybe he has his reasons, which I won’t understand today. But death is a very touchy topic and yes, some people are more adept at managing their emotions or they have faced it early on in their life so they’re more matured but for someone like me, who hasn’t really seen much of it, it is scary but I guess I am not going to be hand held here either. Just like everything else these days. It’s like God has finally said, no more hand holding for you Miss light. You’re on your own now. You have to figure it out on your own. Yes you have a teacher but he’s not going to Babysit you. So, wake up and face reality straight in the eye. Face the storm. Face your fears.

My teacher spoke about negative visualization. I have never done that. I always did positive visualizations about my life, my dreams, my aspirations, but never a negative one. He asked me to do it. He said, negatively visualise yourself dying, see the whole process. Negatively visualise your loved one being taken away from you. He told me to forget all about my dreams and just do this. He was also pissed off with me. He said to me, since I am your teacher, you must listen to what I am saying. I shuddered then. Because I realised, just maybe he is trying to tell me something but I am not willing to understand it today. So, it hurt. It hurt quite a bit. But I can deal with it. Just like everything else. Because my love and respect for him surpasses all of this and so no matter what he says to me I still keep coming back to his teachings and his presence.

And so as I call it a day I question myself, do I really have to grow up so soon? God, why do I have to grow up so soon? I don’t get an answer to this from God and with this I slowly fall asleep. I fall asleep hugging myself so closely because that’s all I have today.

Until next time.

Yours truly,

Miss Light

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