So, as I write this, I question myself. Miss Light, are you really so naive and innocent? Didn’t your life experiences teach you anything. As I write, I am trying to breathe a sigh of relief, but I am not able to, so I close my eyes and I say to myself, even though I have been so naive and innocent, I fully and completely love and accept myself. I think this is going to be my chant through the day today. I need something easy to cling onto these days. Like the Hoponopono practice my teacher has introduced me to, which is basically saying
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
I am not able to use a complicated tool or practice. Actually I am not able to do any practice. I close my eyes and sit these days and just wait for whatever flows through me and then I open my eyes and I go about my day. The first practice which I mentioned earlier, the fully and completely love and accept myself is also a practice introduced by my teacher called the Emotional Freedom Technique. I’ll talk about it some other day because today I feel like talking about how Naive and innocent I have been in my life. Not in all areas of my life. But in the areas of love, I have been. There is no answer to the question why. So, I am not even going to go there. But, I can definitely ask myself, What was I thinking? What was I seeing? Was I even really seeing? Was I a horse with blinders? How have I blundered so many times in choosing the wrong person? The best part is I choose the wrong person and then I give my entire being to them and I lose myself completely and it takes me ages to find myself back. I am on that quest now to really find out who I am. Who am I? What do I really want from life? What kind of partner do I want? What am I looking for in a partner? Do I even really want a partner? Why don’t I just live alone for a while? Why don’t I just take some space?
Honestly, I don’t know why have I made such poor decisions when it comes to Love and the best part there were signs but I wasn’t seeing them. I was blinded. It’s time I wake up. It’s really time I wake up and see all that I have lost out in life because I have given in to so much shit and crap all these years. It’s been one long journey, so long, that I feel I don’t have any time left now. It’s now or never for me to prove to the world who I really am and what I am meant to do. No one can stop me now. Yes, I am a rebel. Yes, I am ruthless. Yes, I might hurt you. Yes, I might pierce your heart. Yes, I might care a damn about you. But remember, just remember, behind all of this, there was once a girl who could and still can give her entire heart and being to another person. It’s just got lost somewhere in the middle. Maybe someday, someone will help me find it. But for now, I am going to be a rebel. For now, I am going to be just by myself.
Leave a Reply