Do you remember the year 2020? or Have you forgotten all about it, now that life is back to normal. I remember that year very clearly because it was a defining year in my life. Flashback to April 2020, the lockdown, the mother who wanted to do it all. The wife who wanted to be on top of things. The wanabee cook who wanted to try her hands at everything from making pizza dough from scratch to making dal chawal. Life was a complete mess. Until one day I broke down. I literally went into a bubble and just wanted to stay there. I detached myself from everything and everyone around me. I went quiet. All I wanted was my mother, but there was no way to get to her because of the innumerable restrictions to cross states in India. So, I waited, and waited. But my father being the super human he is pulled some strings and got me out of there and in no time I was crossing the borders like a refugee to be with my parents. It felt like I was finally free. An indescribable feeling but just so freeing at the same time. I thought life would get better, now that I was home with my parents but it didn’t. I was still a mess. I didn’t want to wake up from bed. I would sit all alone. I would cry. I would be angry. I would get irritated at everyone around me. My appetite was poor. I was a complete nuisance to be around. And then one day, my mom who was doing a course with my teacher because she had a lot of time to herself with no work to go to came into my room and said, Why don’t you listen to some of his talks? He speaks quite well. It was the 11th of June, a day after I lost my husband’s guru. I wasn’t very close to my husband’s guru but he still held a special place in my heart. Because two weeks before he passed away, he called me one day. I told him I feel miserable and I don’t know whats happening to me. He said, you’re totally fine. There is nothing wrong with you. “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU”. These words still ring in my head every time I feel there is something wrong with me. Anyway, back to my teacher, Nithya Shanti. So, I decided to attend a free session he was offering on something called Light Body Activation. Oh and where do I start and where do I finish. I had no clue what he was talking about but I still kept listening till the end of his session. By the end of it, I had made up my mind. This man isn’t making any sense. His words aren’t connecting with me in any way. So, let’s go back to being sad. After a few days, my mother again comes to me and says he’s offering a free session with someone else on Jin Shin Jyutsu. I say alright, let’s give this another shot. So I went ahead and attended the two hour long session on the Japanese technique of Jin Shin and learnt a number of techniques and finger holds that help you with various mental and physical pains. Look up Jin Shin and you’ll get some more in-depth knowledge on whats it all about. Fast forward to September 2020, where I am back in my den and I am feeling a lot in control. Thanks to medications and just finally realizing how important my physical health is and learning to give myself priority over my husband, daughter, and family. One day as I was sitting in my room after a long walk, I happened to go on Instagram and I saw my teacher doing an Instagram live. Oh and it was a day after my birthday. I had had such a pathetic birthday that I was extremely angry, and upset. I was waiting to tell someone all about my birthday and the last few months and there he was. I clicked “JOIN IN” not realizing that means I am going to be in front of him and he is going to ask me a few series of questions. WTF did I just do! I was in my track pants. I was all over the place and he’s in front of me. I remember him laughing because he realized that I had clicked the Join in button by mistake. I had a twenty minute long chat with him about how my birthday wasn’t what I expected. I told him “I walked out of my home. I screamed and I just felt terrible and didn’t want anyone to do anything special for me. I just wanted to be. I think he was taken aback at how authentic I could be and how effortlessly I could share all my secrets. I wasn’t taken aback because it comes easy to me.
A few days later, I felt this urge to start meditating, I had never meditated before so I wasn’t sure where to start from. I was checking my emails and I saw an email from my teacher’s foundation. He was offering a 6 month long course at quite a steal. I jumped on the opportunity and said this is what I need. It was going to be recorded and I could do it at my own sweet time. Perfect! I took a vow that I would not miss a single day of meditation. I went all in every morning at 5/6 and started listening to his recordings. At the end of 60 days I was a transformed person. I am not sure if it was 60 recorded sessions but something on those lines. I felt like I was floating in the sky, life was a breeze, I was chilling finally. I wasn’t running to get anywhere. I was allowing things to flow to me. I remember sitting on my sofa and watching all the madness happen in my house without getting affected. It was like magic. Complete Magic! After that, there wasn’t any stopping me. I joined all his courses for the year. I think I did about two live ones with him. Then came January and then came my anniversary. Eh! How I don’t enjoy these days but I just went with the flow. I do pressurize myself to be a certain way and do a certain special thing and it was never easy. But for some reason on 31st january 2021, my anniversary, I was quite content. I wasn’t expecting anything from my husband. I loved him. He loved me. Thats all that matters. I was in a state of love. I wasn’t sure how? How am I in this state of Love? I asked myself and I knew for a fact, it was because of my teacher and his teachings. I quickly decided to write an email to him letting him know how I feel and how thankful I am, etc.etc. and then came the fun part. I told him I want to do something for him. I can’t just keep taking and receiving without giving back to him in some way. He didn’t really reply very directly which made me a bit sad but I just left it. Fast forward, February 14th, 2021, My teacher announces he is starting a community. He talks about his vision and asks anyone who resonates with it to sign up. I read his vision statement close to a 50 times or more. I saw his recording. Just everything to see and hear to check if I really wanted to join his community. I kept debating it in my head but in a matter of a day I got an answer and the answer was a clear yes. This is it! This is what I want to do. This is what gives me the necessary energy and enthusiasm to wake up each morning. I was so excited. Never been that excited. I was willing to tell everyone around me that I have made up my mind and I am joining a community. People around me were not happy. I fought my way through not willing to listen to anyone because I knew its time for me to give back to my teacher and help him with his vision. Those three months were the best months of my life. I enjoyed every moment of it. I enjoyed all the work I did, the conversations I had, the friendships I made, the long chats with people I had never met, some disappointments, but a whole lot of love, and fun and magic. Just writing about all of this is making me feel so good. I know I can’t bring back those days but I know that I am in the right place. Fast forward June 2021, I am back to square one. I am in the dumps. I am having another episode of depression. What a complete mess! I detach myself from my teacher, the community, my parents, my husband, my daughter, just everyone. Six months of locking myself in a room, six months of hurting myself, six months of making myself feel so guilty, so miserable, so hard on myself. Moments of ending my life and not having any reason to live. Oh god! let’s not even get there because now its September 2022 and I am perfectly fine. I am in a much better place. I am strong. I am confident. I know what I want. and I have my teacher and his teachings and the community and just everything. Life has been nothing less than a rollercoaster ride the last two and a half years for me. But in all of this I have learnt to love myself a little more, listen to my inner voice, and start saying No to all the people and situations that aren’t working for me. I have learnt to put my foot down, learnt to disappoint people along the way, and also learnt to love a little more. I smile more. I take life less seriously and I am just so ready for whatever lies ahead for me. I am not scared of anything.
So, let’s get to the best part. Have I really met my teacher? Nooooooooooo, I haven’t. Will I ever meet my teacher? I am not sure. Do I care? No I don’t. Would I want to? Of course I would want to. Do I have any expectations? No, I have zero expectations. Okay not zero, a little.
I will definitely write a blog post the day I meet him. Until then………
I know. You’re wondering who is this teacher? Well, I wish I knew myself. He has his stories but I think there is more to him than his stories. I plan on going on a long journey of discovering him before I even come close to telling you who he is. Infinite Patience is something he teaches us. So, I’ll have infinite patience and wait for the right time to uncover who my teacher really is.
Until next time, I am leaving you with something I wrote a long while ago.
I am not afraid to be alone.
I am not afraid to travel on my own.
I am not afraid of getting lost.
I am not afraid to wander apart.
I am not afraid to fall in love.
I am not afraid to rise in love.
I am not afraid to dance around like no one’s watching
I am not afraid to sing till my heart is throbbing!
What’s this feeling ?
Am I doing this all on my own?
Where does this elation come from?
Could someone explain to me?
Am I a happy loner? Or am I a happy goner?
Take me to places I have never been. Take me to places where I find myself seen.
Travel with me “you”, Who said you need someone?
Life is good!No life is wonderful!
All i want is to see you shoot! All i want is to see you Star!
All I want is to see you Shine!
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